I am reading and writing more these days. And part of my reading has been returning to some of my old writings and journals. I found the following from January 4, 2023.
Wisdom. I read the following from “The Web has no Weaver” right before I fell asleep last night:
“Wisdom is not certainty or knowledge. One cannot decide to obtain this wisdom; it comes on its own. It accumulates like our years. Wisdom is a knowing that has to do with learning to have a relationship with what is unknown and unknowable. Wisdom infuses; it does not proclaim. Wisdom has some of the qualities of fear in that it has a relationship to the unknown; but unlike fear, it possesses a deep trust that the unknown eventually reveals an inevitable destiny. Facing death with equanimity and grace has to do with the wisdom a person gathers a lifetime.”
Wisdom is a knowing that has to do with learning to have a relationship with what is unknown and unknowable. Wisdom infuses; it does not proclaim.
I felt the truth of these words deep within me. As if I have heard them before … a long time ago, from someone, somewhere …. An ancestor. I feel the truth of these words in my bones and in my DNA. How do we learn to navigate and remain fluid in uncertainty? How do we not grasp for the edges and the walls and allow ourselves to float and to flow with the rhythm of the earth and of water and of nature. We began in the placenta … floating in placental fluid.
From Cleveland Clinic site:
The placenta is a temporary organ that connects your baby to your uterus during pregnancy. The placenta develops shortly after conception and attaches to the wall of your uterus. Your baby is connected to the placenta by the umbilical cord. Together, the placenta and umbilical cord act as your baby’s lifeline while in the uterus. Functions of the placenta include:
Provides your baby with oxygen and nutrients. Removes harmful waste and carbon dioxide from your baby. Produces hormones that help your baby grow. Passes immunity from you to your baby. Helps protect your baby.
Wisdom. What does it feel like for me? How do I feel Wisdom’s presence in my body, in my being? She definitely infuses and does not proclaim. She is gentle and fluid and flows across the membranes of my cells. She is passed along to me from my mother in my mother’s womb, and from her mother, and her mother’s mother. Wisdom is what connects me with every other living being and source of energy in this universe. She breathes life in me and around me.
Note: I reference Shen below. Shen was my 9 year old dog who passed away suddenly in 2006 at the University of Minnesota hospital as they performed surgery on her and discovered the cancer in her spleen had spread throughout her body. I held her tightly as I said goodbye and her spirit was set free and my heart broke into a million pieces. I adopted Shen when she was 9 months old at a Petco Adoption event in St. Louis in 1997. A scrawny girl who apparently kept being overlooked. Her sister had been adopted months prior and her foster said because she had some anxiety no one wanted her. So of course, I chose her. I stopped at Whole Foods after I adopted her and opened up a holistic Chinese medicine book and the page opened up to the word Shen which means spirit in Chinese. At that moment I knew that that was going to be her name.
I closed my book (The Web has no Weaver) last night right before the section, Spirit / Shen. I woke up to a dream about Shen. She was sick and needed surgery. A vet performed surgery but was saying she needed to go back in. There was a cyst or tumor. I didn’t ask though if she tested it. Shen guided me to ask Lauren (Lauren is a dear friend of mine, a veterinarian and faculty at the University of Minnesota College of Veterinary Medicine).. Lauren was dressed in a white top with a blue scarf. She was walking towards a locker as I was sharing the situation with her … as i was sharing I realized there were many questions I did not ask the other vet. My being and my body felt like I could breathe and rest as I could trust Lauren to guide me. She asked why the doctor couldn’t use a probe? Why she had to perform surgery. We were walking out of the building away from the locker to find the doctor. I said I could take Shen to the University of Minnesota. I woke up from my dream.
Now today, December 31, 2023 I find myself reflecting on my journal entry from a year ago. I dream a lot. Dreams speak in a language that often doesn’t make sense – non linear, circular, elliptical, sometimes completely random and chaotic … where communication isn’t spoken. It’s a knowing, a sensing. And oftentimes who appears in the dream, may be the being in my dream, or they may not be. Why did Shen appear to me in my dream 17 years later, and why my friend Lauren? Was my dear friend Larissa speaking to me through Lauren (Larissa transitioned 5 years ago from cancer, and was Lauren’s predecessor). When I lay my head down to sleep at night I welcome the journey I am going to embark on … like winter solstice it is a time where the veil between this world and the spirit world is translucent and at her thinnest and where those who have left this world speak to us. A year later, I realize now that Shen was trying to tell me that 2023 was going to be a year of many changes and of some deep healing .. that there was a tumor in my life that needed to be removed. My beloved Shen transitioned to the spirit world on September 14, 2006 … September 14th was my Papa’s birthday. She came to me a year ago to let me know that I had a metaphorical tumor in my life and it would need to be removed and it would be painful. 2023 I did remove what was toxic in my life. Like cancer, the toxicity lay dormant and silent and unseen … Shen returned 17 years after her passing to plant the seed for me to become more vigilant and aware … to listen to the whispers. As I reflect on my dream, I realize a locker symbolizes belongings, safety and security. Lauren (or Larissa) was representing myself … walking towards the locker at the beginning of my dream was the desire for stability and comfort. Maybe the locker symbolized security and stability and with Lauren and others who love and support me I was able to walk away from the security and stability and resting and thriving in the unknowing and uncertainty; of allowing who I am and want to be in this world to shine. And now a year later, and as I say goodbye and thank you to 2023, I am grateful for Shen coming to visit me in my dream world a year ago … and in an ethereal way she began infusing my being with wisdom of all the beautiful spirits and ancestors who have gone before me and continue to watch over me.
We began in the wisdom infused in the placenta. When we leave the safety and protection of our mother’s womb and the umbilical cord severed … is the cord ever truly severed? Where does wisdom breathe life? What becomes our oxygen, our placenta outside our mother’s womb? Where are the whispers coming from? And are we able to listen, really truly listen?
Ahnung Way 